Nelson's Column

It's a cat's life...

14 December 2009


Huh. It seems I have a rival for SWCTCO's affections. For months now, She has been paying far too much attention to Simon's cat. Or Simon's Cat, as it likes to call itself (note the stupid capital c).

I nipped out earlier to do my business - it was raining, but I was forced to act in a most ungentlemanly manner in order to regain entry. Calling had no effect and the only way I could make my distress heard was to hurl myself at the door and shout loudly. Most undignified. And then, just when I most needed a rubdown with a hot towel and some reassuring words, She ignored me.

It took just seconds to discover Her new object of adoration. Simon's bloody cat. In black and white. On Her computer screen. It seems She would rather watch some ghastly fake chavscum moggy from internetland than be with me - me, whom She used always to call Her Best Boy.

If I see that Simon's cat within sniffing distance of my patch, I shall give him a good seeing to. No, not that sort. The fistipaws sort. My territory appears to be in urgent need of defence. Oh, and can anyone advise on how to make my own film? If you can't beat 'em up...